to be honest. i dun feel belonged/welcomed at this place u call home. the feeling that i'm watched is horrible. like even the walls have eyes. every movement, every action. like i have to be careful and accountable for every breath i take. i cant even cough/sneeze properly. fearing that he will hear and ask me to stay away from the baby. sometimes it's just a cough to clear my throat in the morning or a sneeze due to my usual morning sinus. but i have to swallow all down. as much as i love my guy, i fear the life after marriage. now i'm trying to avoid as much as i can. stay away as much as i can. treating this as only my shelter where i return just to rest my feet and get some sleep. u know this feeling? homeless.

it might sound irony to u. i have my own home with my cosy little room but i choose to stay away from it too. i choose to. because the memories kept huanting me. every sound in the house make my hair stand. flashbacks of those devastating moments when i face blood and death so close, like it's breathing down my neck. those times when i cried so hard at the garden in the middle of the night, calling my 56 year old aunt to tell her how i feel - suicidal. just around more den a year ago, everything that i do, i'm thinking of how to end my life. the thought of getting knocked down by a car, seeing my body fly and smashed into a pile of blood and broken bones, the feeling of flying down from my window. a little too much for a 20 year old to take yes? but nobody can tell from this happy looking, chatty girl. i've had these for years. so when i leave my house, i thought it will be better for me. but i turn away from my home, to face yet another form of pressure. life is full of trials and tributations, i know. it makes me stronger and after all the fire, i'll be the real gold. so what? so u get what i mean when i say life is unfair?

God, are You watching? do You know what is happening in my life? where are You?

a wishful thinking that life will be heaven-like after marriage where i have my own family with the man i love. but now, i fear.
feels like we're now paying for his brother's wrong. because of that wrong, everyone is so uptight now. and i'm the reason for his parents to worry that history might repeat. now i'm wondering if my birth on this earth 20 years ago was a mistake. and maybe, my mom is right, she should have killed me when i was born, 20 years ago.